* tiny but powerful *

I think this is how God is asking me to trust Him: I'm going to stay at The River for the rest of the school year.

I totally did not expect to come out of church today with that decision (or any decision at all; I didn't even have that particular issue on the front burner), but...God surprised me, and I think it's the right one. Pastor Keith did sort of a "commissioning" service this morning to hand off his authority to the new senior leadership team. I think I expected to feel more of a closure, since I've associated my time at The River with Keith, but to the contrary I felt pulled to stay. I really resonated with Keith's view of leadership, and I empathized with this time of change in his life and what that means for the people he's leaving behind. I also realized that my past 4 years at The River were the same years that God had used to build up these four new leaders in the church (even though I associated all that time mostly with Keith) -- and they were a part of my experience, even if I didn't register it at the time. Keith pointed out that the best way the congregation can honor him in his departure is to give the transition a real chance. He said it would break his heart if people were more attached to him than the church body itself, because God is more the leader than any one person (and that's how I'd always felt about my leadership in Testimony).

Furthermore, with regards to the specific decision I was making (The River vs. Grace), I realized that I've given Grace a fair chance over the past 4 months, and I haven't felt any particular draw to switch churches *now*. I wouldn't be opposed to making the change if I were confident that Grace is the right place for me, but I'm not (yet). I do think it's possible for the future -- but probably after I have a better idea what post-graduation will look like. I still think it's good that I anticipated the community issue and that I've been wrestling with what things I value in a church, but it seems like that process isn't leading me toward a change at this point.

Upon discussing my decision with a couple friends, I realized that I wrote a blog entry marking the *beginning* of my whole decision process exactly a year ago. Now, I know I'm generally sensitive to yearly landmarks, but still... that's pretty uncanny. I totally did not realize the coincidence until I remembered that today is Halloween, and up popped a distinct memory of writing a really long blog entry right before last Halloween's alto hangout. Weird...

It's interesting to revisit what I was thinking back then and compare it to what things are actually like now: "I think that next year, during my fifth year, since I will likely be living off-campus and many of the closest people to me may no longer be around, I'll have to be especially careful in making sure that I deliberately place myself into communities where God leads me." That picture certainly isn't how things turned out. For one, I'm living on campus, with close access to a lot of people I know. For another, nearly all of my closest friends who graduated last spring are actually still at/near Stanford (for grad school, work, etc.). Thirdly, I've grown to be quite involved with RUF, and I feel more at home than I ever have in my other fellowship experiences the past 4 years. I even have a strong relationship with older mentors (David and Mindi), which I don't think has ever been true before in my entire life. So that's all really interesting to reflect on now, a year later. God does so much.

Anyway, I finally made the decision. Wow. Took me long enough, huh?

Music 140 is sooo FUZZY. Blechchh.

Uh, I'm confused. Anyway, a disclaimer: that previous rant wasn't directed at anyone in particular -- I was just upset that it had happened. Plus, a lot of non-DL people were asking me how the picnic went, and it was easier than typing out my upsetness multiple times. But in any case, I'm over it now.

I think I was also cranky from the paper I was having to write. Papers make me cranky more than almost anything else. =P

Moral of DL Picnic: Don't push me (especially not physically) to go set off a cannon, or I'll end up upset for the next 5+ hours. Especially if you should know darn well that there's no way I was going to change my mind. I don't give a crap if it's a new-member tradition.

Actually, don't physically push me to do anything, ever. Thanks.

I'm excited about Danse Libre this year. :-D

Congratulations also to Kari, Brian, and Qi!!! Woohoo!

In the last 2 weeks, I've spent 36+ hours doing auditions-related stuff: running auditions, helping with auditions, deliberating about auditions, or going through my own auditions. And now, finally, I'm DONE!!

Danse Libre callbacks last night were good. I didn't do the best I could have, but I do think I gave a fair representation of my dancing, so I'll be at peace with whatever the outcome turns out to be. :) Last week I was upset because I wasn't being myself, but last night was good and I can't ask any more of myself than that.

Other quick updates:
- RUF had our first meeting last Tuesday, and then our women's small group met on Thursday. We've also had a couple really good prayer meetings. Things are starting off really well, and I'm excited for what God has in store for us this year!
- I'm taking Richard's Thursday night WCS class. WCS is so much fun! I think part of why I like it so much is being able to dance to more music that I already liked, for which I previously hadn't known an appropriate dance (given its tempo/style).
- We have a couch in our room now! Come visit!

Bigger news:
I found out yesterday that Pastor Keith will be leaving The River in the spring of 2005. He and his family will be moving to Kentucky for his Ph.D. in New Testament Biblical Studies. I was seriously in shock upon hearing this. Keith founded the church and he's been the lead pastor for the 4 years I've been attending The River. His teaching was the primary reason I chose The River in the first place (though of course over the years I've grown to love other things about the church). This news really disoriented me because I had no idea it was in the works. Also, it's definitely going to affect my church decision, which is still one huge complicated issue. I've been attending Grace for the past couple months because (1) I wanted to experience an extended period of time at the newer church so I could have more information on which to base my decision, and (2) I'd been feeling like if I left Grace at this point, before getting a good sense of how I might fit into the church and how the church might serve me, I might return The River and never go back to Grace. This all changes now, though, because I really want to be at The River during the last few months of Keith's pastoring (through next January). Furthermore, The River is aptly starting a series about "Transitions", and next Sunday's message is going to be "On Saying Goodbye". I think that regardless of whether I ultimately stay at or leave The River, this will be a good series for me to go to. I'm just really confused, and I don't know what to think. :-/

Happy Birthday, Jennyyyyy!
Yay for ALTO directors!! :-D

Congratulations to our newest TENOR in Testimony 2004-2005 -- Pablo Pozo!!! WOOHOO!
(I'm going to update the roster I posted earlier.)

More news:

• I can do USingers after all! This morning I thought there was no way around the rehearsal conflicts, but I found a way to work it out! (RUF will be moved to start at 8:30, and USingers had already been shifted 15 minutes earlier to 6:45-8:45, the last 15 minutes of which the director is willing to let me miss. Plus, I don't have the Thursday noon conflict anymore since I'm not taking ChemE 185A.) I went to my first USingers rehearsal tonight, and I had SO MUCH FUN! We're singing Mozart's Requiem this quarter, which is an AWESOME work. It's going to be really hard for me, since I've never sung in a formal choral group before, but I'm excited about the hard work. It's been SO LONG since I've been excited about hard work! (Anyone want to give me a Latin pronunciation lesson?)
  
• This means I don't have to do Shape-Note Singers, which is a relief (though I'm not sure whether I'll get out of it completely; at this point it's sort of become a personal favor for the professor since he really needs more voices). No offense to shape-note singing, but in the last three class meetings I've found it rather boring (and grating, when done authentically). Not really my thing.
  
• I made it to Danse Libre callbacks! Seriously, when I came back from the audition last night, I wasn't sure at all whether I would, because I felt so nervous during the entire audition and I know it colored my performance. Plus, I felt a lot of pressure from people who were expecting me to do well. Now that I've at least made it to callbacks, I won't feel as bad if I don't end up making it into the group. I've got to do something about those nerves for next Monday's callbacks, though. :-P

I think I made it through the insanity. Barely. Here are some quick updates:

• My family moved from Palomares back to Columbia (all within in Castro Valley) on September 22nd. We (eventually) got all the furniture and heavy boxes over there with the movers, but we left behind a lot of random junk. Still tons of work to do at both houses.


• Orientation week and moving back to campus was really difficult while also driving back and forth to Castro Valley a lot. Driving = back pain.


• O-Show came and went. It was hard to believe that that was my last performance officially in Tmony.


• I auditioned and made it into University Singers. I would love to sing with them this year, and I'm trying to work out the scheduling (half of the Tuesday rehearsal conflicts with RUF), but unfortunately it's not very likely.


• I completely botched my violin audition (for chamber groups). It was very embarrassing.


• Prof. Gilbert (last year's Music 40 professor, and currently my Music 140 professor) is trying really hard to get me to take his Shape-Note Singing class. I might do it if I can get ensemble credit, because I need one more quarter (1 unit) for the Music major, and it's my only other option other than USingers and chamber music.


• I'm partnering Social Dance 2 this quarter.


• Tmony auditions, callbacks, and the associated meetings/discussions/work made for a very intense, very emotional, and very exhausting 72 hours. But we made it, and we have an amazing new group for Testimony 2004-2005! More on this later (see below).


• Some family health stuff going on too. I'd really appreciate prayers on that front.


• After much agonizing, I have decided that I will not be completing the ChemE minor; I'm going to do a Math minor instead.

So, originally my plan was to take ChemE 170, ChemE 185A, Music 140, and Chinese 73 (in addition to History of the Waltz and violin lessons). Now my class schedule looks like this:

Fall Quarter 2004
- Math 103 (Matrix Theory and its Applications, 3 units) -- MWF 10:00-10:50am
- Math 131 (Partial Differential Equations I, 3 units) -- TTh 9:30-10:45am
- Chinese 73 (Chinese Language, Culture, and Society, 4 units) -- MW 11:00am-12:15pm
- Music 140 (Studies in Medieval Music, 4 units) -- MW 2:15-4:05pm
- Music 174A (Violin Individual Instruction, 3 units) -- M 1:00-2:00pm
- Dance 133 (History of the Waltz, 2 units) -- W 8:00-9:45pm
- plus partnering Social Dance 2 -- TTh 1:00-2:05pm

And we'll see whether I end up in Music 167 (University Singers) or Music 159A (Shape-Note Singers). They're both 1 unit, so either one would round out 20 units for this quarter. That sounds crazy, but these aren't engineering courses anymore. :-P It's only 14 units of real classes.

As promised, here are more details about Tmony. CONGRATULATIONS TO THE NEW MEMBERS OF TESTIMONY! Please meet...

Testimony A Cappella 2004-2005!
(* = new member; italics = Core)

Sopranos
Sabrina Boyce* (fr)
Jennifer Kim* (fr)
Karina Ortega (jr)
Eileen Sisk* (fr)

Altos
Jenny Alyono (jr) -- DIRECTOR! YAY!
LeAnn Duong* (fr)
Lisa Kim (soph)
Dana Nguyen (soph)
Jennifer Sloat* (fr)

Tenors
Adam Harris (jr)
Pablo Pozo* (soph)
David Scudder (soph)
Joseph Tan* (soph)

Basses
Jarreau Bowen (soph)
Kevin Kuo (soph)
Rob Majors (soph)
Ben Savage* (soph)

YAY TMONY!!

Happy Birthday, Meg!

I am going to miss Testimony.

God is SO GOOD. ALL the time.